Morgan Pressel Cinderellas From John Kennedy Into Tiger Woods

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As Yogi Berra said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.” Right now it looks like earthlings are just about to follow the dinasours into extinction in nuclear world war 3 and its aftermath nuclear winter then ultraviolet summer. However it isn’t over till it’s over. Just ask Morgan Pressel.

18 year old blonde pixie Morgan Pressel stood on the 18th green yesterday at the the ladies’ first major golf tournament of the year the Dinah Shore Kraft Nabisco at 2 under par. At the time, Norwegian golfer Suzann Pettersen was on the 15th hole with a four shot lead over Morgan Pressel with four holes to go. It was at this moment that Morgan Pressel’s late mother Kathy Krickstein took the golden pixie dust from her pouch and sprinkled it all over the Mission Hills Golf Course in Rancho Mirage California.

Morgan Pressel said, “My mom is always with me and I know that she’s proud of me.” Two years ago Morgan’s 42 year old mom lost her battle with breast cancer and Morgan is being raised by her pathologist papa Herb Krickstein and her bubie Evelyn Krickstein who held Morgan’s hand as they took the celebratory jump into the lake on 18 after Morgan became the youngest major champion ever in ladie’s golf. Asked, “How was the jump into the pond?” Morgan said, “Wet and cold but I’d like to do it again.”

For those people who don’t believe in curses go read about the Kennedy family and the Anna Nicole Smith family. The only way for Dannielynn Smith to top Caroline Kennedy now would be if she were to choke on a piece of gefilte fish at the Passover Seder tonight like John Kennedy’s sister did.

Two years ago 16 year old Morgan Pressel was standing in the middle of the 18th fairway at the U.S. Open tied with Birdie Kim for the lead. Birdie was 10 miles from the hole in the right green side bunker when Birdie blew Morgan Pressel’s brains out with a magic bullet bunker shot into the bottom of the cup snatching victory away from Morgan who looked like she had it in the bag. The odd thing is how often this happens in golf. Greg Norman got shot in the head in the Masters playoff when Larry Mize holed an impossible pitch shot, in the PGA when Paul Azinger holed an impossible bunker shot on 18 and in Hawaii when Robert Gamez rubbed salt in the holes in Greg’s bullet ridden head by holing out on 18 from 175 yards.

Equally amazing in golf is how often players collapse coming down the stretch. This coming Sunday April 8, 2007 is Easter Master’s Sunday. They say that the Masters doesn’t start until the back nine on Sunday. The golf Messiah Tiger Woods says that his Buddhist faith has helped him to forget himself down the stretch and Zen into the zone. Tiger Woods is known for holding his composure while those around him crack under the indescribable pressure. Johnny Miller is always talking about how in his day Lee Trevino or Arnold Palmer or Tom Watson would come charging like Secretariat on Sunday with a 64 and how today the average score of Tiger Woods’ playing partner in the final group is 79. Has Tiger Woods sold his soul to Satan? Does Budddhism recognize Satan? If not he’s the red guy behind the ropes with the horns and pointy tail who smells like sulfur.

The Jewish name for demons is the “dybbuk”. Morgan Pressel says that her Jewish faith is very important to her. Jewish people wear red bendels, red ribbons to ward off evil spirits. Morgan Pressel is the first Jewish Major champion unless you count Cory Pavin, a born again Christian. This week Pope Benedict XVI said that Hell and Demons exist. The Pontiff will be using Holy Water and smoke and about 217 other rituals this week to cleanse the Vatican of evil spirits, not to mention his Callaway golf hat. The most glaring showing off by supernatural beings occurred at Winged Foot on 18 when the late Davis Love Jr. canopied the 18th green celebrating his son’s first Major PGA title with a magic rainbow.

The Zapruder film shows Satan himself firing the magic bullet from the grassy knoll into John Kennedy’s head. The question is, “Do legendary collapses occur because the winner sold his soul to Satan or because the winner was blessed by God and the archangels Michael, Gabriel, Uriel and Raphael or because some evil person cursed the leader or because the leader suffered from either shattering nerves or mental defect?” Yesterday in the Dinah Shore Suzann Pettersen closed bogey, double bogey, bogey and then parred the par 5 18th which Morgan Pressel birdied. Suzann Pettersen was the first ever golfer from Oslo Norway which is just south of Hell Norway. Hell Norway is just East of Greenland which melted during the Dinah Shore.

Tiger Woods won the latest British Open and PGA and is going this week for his third consecutive major championship and his second Tiger Slam. Tiger Woods won 3 straight U.S. amateurs. At 16 Morgan Pressel won the U.S. woman’s amateur. At the age of 12 Morgan Pressel became the youngest person ever to qualify for the U.S. Woman’s Open. She didn’t come from nowhere. It’s just that everyone has been focusing on Michelle Wie for her prodigious length off the tee. Unfortunately Michelle can’t chip or putt and she lost Dave Pelz’s phone number.

Carnoustie Scotland is just west of Oslo Norway. In 1999 at the British Open in Carnoustie Scotland Jean Van de Velde came to the 18th hole needing only a double bogey to win the Claret Jug and immortality. Curtis Strange was announcing in the booth ripping his hair out at Jean Van de Velde’s decisions. Jean Van de Velde could have won the British Open playing 18 with his 7 iron. On 18 Jean Van de Velde hit an OK drive into the rough and the smart play was to use a wege to lay up in front of the Barry Burn, the pond guarding 18. From there he could have chipped on and even three putted for 6 and victory. Instead Jean Van de Velde took his 2 iron out of the bag. If Tiger Woods had done that his Kiwi caddy Stevie Williams would have rugby tackled Tiger Woods into the dirt, slapped him around, handed him his wedge and aimed him to the left. God helps those who help themselves. You don’t give babies in the womb methadone. It leads to them making poor decisions later in life no matter how much money they have.

Jean Van de Velde takes out his 2 iron on 18 to carry the water from the rough. His ball flies to the right, hits the grandstand, luckily bounces off the rocks in the river Barry Burn and ends up in the rough short of the burn. He just had to pitch out of the tall grass onto the green, three putt and walk away with the trophy. Van de Velde then proceeds to chunk his pitch shot into the river in front of the green. Now he rolls up his slacks into shorts, takes off his shoes and socks and goes wading into the burn. He then decides to take a drop and lying 4 can still get up and down for victory. Somehow he fluffed his chip shot into the trap. Miraculously Van de Velde exploded to within 6 feet and holed the putt for triple bogey to get into the British Open playoff.

The Scottish fans were ecstatic because the beneficiaries of this golfing embolism were American Justin Leonard and the Scotsman Paul Lawrie. Paul Lawrie then went on to win the 3 man playoff for the British Open, drawing upon the luck of the Irish and the four leaf clover in his bag. Yesterday the beneficiary of Suzann Pettersen’s last 4 hole collapse and foray into the right trees was Morgan Pressel, the little lady who had her brains blown out by Birdie Kim two years earlier at the U.S. Open. They say that in golf the luck evens out but if that were true then Greg Norman would have won at least one green jacket. Greg Norman also threw away a 6 shot Sunday Masters lead to Nick Faldo. As Yogi Berra says, “It ain’t over till it’s over” and, “If the world were perfect it wouldn’t be.”


write by thompson

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