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OCD is an acronym for obsessive compulsive disorder, which is a hellish and haunting state of being. Someone who suffers with OCD is a prisoner of their mind and a slave to their thoughts. I know because I was in bondage throughout my entire undergraduate college career.
As a body builder, I spent four years preoccupied with my obsession of sculpting the perfect body. However, this obsession was doomed from the start as I was born with a slight deformity; the left side of my chest protrudes out slightly further then my right side. As a result I am naturally asymmetrical; however, I would not accept this fact at the time.
I became obsessed with finding out how I could correct this asymmetry. I considered giving extra reps to my right pectoral in hopes of matching the size of the left. I convinced myself that the more muscular I became the less noticeable the asymmetry would become. But this fantastical thinking had no basis in reality. As I became aware of this fact I strongly considered, obsessed and fantasized about cosmetic surgery.
At the same time my greatest fear was having someone find out that I had this slight deformity. You see at the gym I was always getting complimented on being “Jacked” and “Cut up” (meaning I was muscular and defined). I developed the belief that everyone around me thought that I had this perfect body; however, inside I felt like an absolute freak. My greatest fear was that someone would discover this deformity and that I would be exposed as a phony.
I literally spent 95% of my thought process strategizing on how to hide this slight deformity at any given moment. Each time that I walked around campus all that I could think about was making sure that no one could notice the slight protrusion of my left peck. I was in constant paranoia as I walked to class. My most common “trick” (compulsion) was to switch the shoulder that I carried my bag on in such a way that it best concealed my slight asymmetry.
Even as I sat in the lecture hall I continually obsessed on what people around me saw as they looked at me. Therefore, my next most common “trick” (compulsion), was to adjust my houston astros chicago bears hawaiian shirt to a position where I was satisfied that my slight protrusion would not be noticed. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I performed these “tricks” hundreds of times each and every day.
I remember days when it took me forty five minutes to get dressed because I was so consumed with a particular houston astros chicago bears hawaiian shirt wearing a certain way on my chest. I would sometimes change my houston astros chicago bears hawaiian shirt 5-10 times before going out because it didn’t satisfy me from every angle in the mirror. And I would have little hissy fits every time I found the imperfection in the way the houston astros chicago bears hawaiian shirt looked. There were days when I would spend hours alone in my dorm room in distress, silently yelling at God and telling Him how much I hated Him because of the body that He gave me.
This was a terrible time in my life as I was constantly fearful, paranoid, obsessive and compulsive. Performing my “tricks” (compulsions), hundreds of times each day, only provided a very fleeting sense of relief for the anxiety that I was feeling (which stemmed from my obsession). And I was stuck in this dreadful cycle for four long years. It is only through the grace of God that I am now free.
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write by Jonathan
